You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
