You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
