Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
