The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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