You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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