All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
cat food counts as protein by the way
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
