is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
