Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
