dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
