Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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