Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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