the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
