we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
