I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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