i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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