She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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