I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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