the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
