im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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