Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
