i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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