I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
