Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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