If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
