he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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