My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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