just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
