i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
