Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
