Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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