i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
