If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
