I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
