i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
