We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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