Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
