Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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