i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
