let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
