That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
