bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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