You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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