if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
