Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
