Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
