Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
