just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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