Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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