If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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