whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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