you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
