I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Hippo gnu deer
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
