I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
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