We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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